my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Rumble strips road head = magical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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