Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
