my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
