you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
