it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
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