he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
