Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
this just has baby written all over it
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
