I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
the gays at disneyland are vicious
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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