We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
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Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
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My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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