Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
