Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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