he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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