she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
