if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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