last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
