U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
