I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
