That's when you crack a 10am beer
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
