dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
