Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
