Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
