I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
