For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
