who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
The uberlube is also flammable
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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