yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
