I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
