did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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