nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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