ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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