if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
