oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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