I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
