I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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