I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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