that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
