You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
