Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
