I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
