Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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