did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
