Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
