dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
