I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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