When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
