I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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