so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Randomize
