things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
