I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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