Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
