My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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