Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
