youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
