there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
