apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
