So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Randomize
