Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
