Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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