I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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