Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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