awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I could fuck to npr.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
