She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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